"I was deciding whether I wanted to live or die. "

During my visit to Goa a week ago, I met a lady working on one of the beaches there. I thought she would have an interesting background, but couldn't have imagined it would be such a difficult and painful one. 

She spoke in English so I try to keep her own phrasing in this post. 


I asked her, "What brought you here?"  This was her reply. 


"When my mom was pregnant with me, my dad died. My mother wanted to kill me because I wasn't a boy. We came from a very poor background. One day when my mother was trying to strangle me with a bed sheet, my uncle saved me. He saved everyone.


I am the youngest of three sisters. My uncle saved all of us. He married my oldest sister off and she moved to Goa. My middle sister was sick with asthma, so she couldn't do much. It was serious. After my oldest sister left, my mom, other sister and me had no help. My father had seven brothers and one sister. Oldest sister told me to come to Goa and learn English.


When I was about 8 years old, I moved to a beach. We all slept on sarongs and knew no language but our local language. The police eventually told us that we can not sell anything on beach. So the girls and I left our  things on boat and ran into the jungle. People saw the hiding spot and stole everything. After this my mom said told me to sell fruit then clothes later. I slowly learned. For eight days, I didn't tell that there was good money here. After I finally told them, my sister came here too. After my sister with asthma got even sicker, I started to work here. 



My mother never loved me and only started to love me after I made money. At 14, I was married off to my father's sisters' son. The boy chooses the girl so I didn't have any say in the matter. After our wedding, all relations were broken. At the wedding my oldest sister got very mad about the way the finances were managed at the wedding. I made no demands of my own because I knew that my family (the brides side) has to take on the expenses.



We did not have a happy marriage. I didn't get anything from husband. He wasn't working so I had to support him. After about  2 months my sister came. I didn't have any connection with my family, especially after my sister got angry at my wedding. By custom, I am supposed to go with my father-in-law or mother-in-law to my mother's house sometime after my wedding. Finally, my husband agreed to this and let me go to my mother's place with my father-in-law.



At home, my aunty said she wanted to talk to me and that I should support older sister. My middle sister wanted a shop on this beach.  You know though, I always felt like only when they (my family) needed something they would call. I decided to come with my sister. She wanted me to come with because our eldest sister was threatening my middle sister. The owner here said it was okay for us to sell things here and use the shop.



During this period of my life, there was a lot of jealousy and competition, and abuse. I got pregnant with my first child around this time too and eventually lost my first child. There were no men at deliveries by custom so only women helped deliver the babies. Those women tried to save my new baby, but I had already lost the child. There was a long line of women when I lost my first born.  I saw my mother's face in the crowded but she never came to the front to help deliver the baby or hold me later after I lost my first little one. I always knew my mother didn't want me, but in that moment I truly felt like she didn't want to have any relation with me. It was truly tough to live after I lost my first child. I was deciding whether I wanted to live or die.



I have four children now. After losing my first child, I had another one when I was 17. So now I have three daughters and one son. My husband was not proud of three daughters, but is now nice to me after having a son.In the mean time the shop we were in when I got pregnant with my first child I lost was closed. The six months that followed were very difficult as we were living without any business. Then we were fortunate when one day we ended up on this beach and were trying to sell things. The owner of the property asked what they were doing. We asked him to rent this shop to us. After he agreed we've been here since. It's been 9 years now in this shop.



My only family is my husband and children now. We send all four of them to school. (One of her daughters is able to read, write, and speak English). I have no contact with my family so just my husband, who is much nicer than before, and my children."